The news has been a little bizarre lately. Oh, wait. You thought I was going to share some kind of personal weirdness that happened to me, didn’t you? Awesome! That means I’m getting much better at writing misleading headlines, making my blog thisclose to actual journalism.
Listen, you’re already here, so you may as well stick it out. You will feel better about yourself (although it may also [further] diminish your faith in humanity), so maybe grab some tea, or a lasagna, or a sugar-free, grape-flavored Popsicle. Whatever you like.
Suicidal Cats – Who Knew?
Last October, Turkey experienced a 7.1 magnitude earthquake, which caused significant destruction. That was not funny. It was very much the opposite of funny.
A Turkey professor (as opposed to a professor who is a turkey – maybe) reports an increase in “suicide” attempts by felines living in the earthquake-ravaged area. So that we are clear, there is a scholar, with a degree, studying whether cats knowingly decide to end their lives. The good professor hypothesizes that the cats are THROWING themselves from fatal heights. He kinda doesn’t say why.
Well, sir, I’m no professor, but I … uh … Wait. I AM A PROFESSOR. And, I totally disagree with your hypothesis.
I will be the first to admit that cats don’t do a damn thing unless they WANT to do it. So, I suppose it’s not entirely unreasonable to assume that a cat leaping from a fatal height to the ground is a deliberate act. But, deliberately seeking death? No way. That just does not stand up to closer academic scrutiny, kind sir.
First, most cats are ninjas.
Also, kitty-cide is just a bitch of an undertaking. Frankly, unless the cat is REALLY effing depressed, it’s just not with the effort. I read The Warriors. Cats HAVE nine lives. So, a cat has to kill itself not just once but nine times. NINE TIMES!!!!
I think the better hypothesis is that some cats have better ninja skills than others. I have only anecdotal evidence to support this hypothesis, based upon my co-habitation with a small feline for many years: Nibby.
I know it’s not nice to speak ill of those who’ve passed, so I’m sorry little Nibblet. You know I loved you. But, I’m gonna do it anyway, and you probably already knew that, too.
Nibby was – sadly – no ninja. She drank from the toilet and for the life of her couldn’t figure out how to use a cat door, even after the raccoons showed her. And, yes her nickname might’ve been Deathbreath. Often, Nibby jumped for the bed and missed, Nibby jumped for the couch and missed, or Nibby jumped from the AC unit to the fence and missed. And those were all UPWARD jumps. We won’t even talk about the DOWNWARD jumps from places that no cat with some marbles in her little kitty skull would ever attempt. She was also about as stealthy as a herd of elephants being chased by a pack of hungry lions.
But, see, there was always something Nibby WANTED in her intended landing spot. She didn’t just go randomly flinging herself off of balconies. Because, as I mentioned above, cats don’t do ANYTHING unless it’s for a REASON. Such reasons include food, water, food, affection, food, napping, food, bathroom, food, bird/mouse/spider/laser beam stalking and food. The reasons just do not include death. Check it. All scientific-like.
Mmmmm. Tastes Like Ketchup. And Astroglide.
I have no good segue from cats to ketchup. (I’m sorry, Amy. I’m just not Charlie Segue. But, I’m trying. Really.) Well, I probably could come up with something, but it’d be gross. Grosser than that picture up there. Plus, I asked you to eat something at the beginning of this post, so that wouldn’t be very nice. Actually, I’m a sympathy-puker, making it blow chunks for us both.
Let’s get to it then, shall we?
If you don’t, you just keep your youthful mouth shut when you’re talking to me! Otherwise, I say: The wait is O.V.E.R. The remedy for your condiment impatience was discovered by some enterprising young students at MIT. (Figures. Kids these days don’t wait for ANYTHING!)
The discovery, called LiquiGlide, is “… rigid like a solid, but it’s lubricated like a liquid.” It allows ketchup or other condiments to slide right out of tight spaces.
Please, let the double entendres begin. (Cue my husband, who might be the master of all things double entendre, which – when coupled with my crappy hearing – makes for some interesting conversations. [It’s true. Ask him about the time I mis-under-heard “Buckhorn.” Just don’t have eaten within 30 minutes.] Also a special shout-out to Jim, who unwittingly facilitated an entire evening of conversation in double entendre with this “Shocking!” post. Jim, you should’ve told her it meant “two in the clam, one in the SHAZAAM!” and THEN sent her to Chris’s office. I expect you to bring some game in the comments. Just sayin’.)
Never You Mind About the Ketchup, Give Me My Fries and No One Gets Hurt.
Alright. You know what? Forget ketchup. It’s very messy. Let’s just get right to another salty subject: french fries.
A Florida man was arrested yesterday after cutting the drive-through line at a local McDonald’s — at gunpoint. Hey! No cuts, no buts, no coconuts!
I guess sometimes you just CANNOT wait for french fries, people. If you’ve ever gone for drive-thru food at 2:00 a.m. drunk or stoned, you’d understand this. Apparently. I wouldn’t really know. It’s just what I’ve heard.
The police say the line-jumper had a very real gun, which is what it would take to keep me from cup-checking him for taking cuts, especially if the french fries just came out of the magical fryer thingy.
This next guy, though? He’s gettin’ corn-dogged for sure. Kitty ninja style.
Super Soak This Bitches!
A California man recently was arrested for carrying a converted “Super Soaker” water gun. The man altered the toy into a weapon purportedly capable of firing a 20-gauge shotgun shell.
A local gun shop employee told the TV station such a modification could be made for as cheap as $30, but would be about as safe for its handler as ‘putting a hand grenade next to your head.’
Next time, man, just go for the Nerf N-STRIKE Rayven CS-18. It has killer range, is semi-automatic and glows in the dark! You won’t even shoot your eye out!
I Shall RULE the World. And the World Shall Be Made of LEGO Bricks!!!!
If you’re gonna play with toys, go big or … go to the big house.
A Silicon Valley executive was arrested recently for stealing Lego sets from stores such as Target. Yes, that’s right. An employed adult with a college education and a likely six-figure income went to a discount chain store and stole TOYS. For HIMSELF. Sort of.
(Oh, and FYI, there is no such thing as “Legos.” The proper plural is Lego bricks. Got it?! Because Lego people get very pissy about this.)
Listen, I don’t know exactly what this Lego-stealing guy’s annual income was, but his “$2 million San Carlos” home was searched, and he is (or was) a Vice President at SAP. So, it’s reasonable to infer that the guy could afford to pay full retail for Lego sets. Even a LOT of Lego sets. Okay, maybe not as many as you need to build an actual house with a working bathroom.
But, oh no. He wasn’t trying to shelter his family. He was reselling the Lego sets. On eBay. For a profit. Dude used his software programming expertise to create bar code tags that he affixed to Lego sets, allowing him to “purchase” the bricks on the cheap. Over the course of a year, he made about a $30,000 profit reselling. His mom must be so proud.
Now, as stupid as this whole scheme was (I can think of about ten different ways he could’ve avoided getting caught, starting with keeping that shit off eBay), this genius picked the worst store from which to steal stuff: Target. According to the linked article,
In the past few years, the retailer has taken a lead role in teaching government agencies how to fight crime by applying state-of-the-art technology used in its 1,400 stores. Target’s effort has touched local, state, federal and international agencies.
Besides running its forensics lab in Minneapolis, Target has helped coordinate national undercover investigations and worked with customs agencies on ways to make sure imported cargo is coming from reputable sources or hasn’t been tampered with. It has contributed money for prosecutor positions to combat repeat criminals, provided local police with remote-controlled video surveillance systems, and linked police and business radio systems to beef up neighborhood foot patrols in parts of several major cities. It has given management training to FBI and police leaders, and linked city, county and state databases to keep track of repeat offenders.
So, children, the lessons learned? Don’t steal from Target, because it probably knows where you are right now anyway. (Don’t believe me. Read this. Then you will.) And, if you grow up to be a Silicon Valley executive, stick to crimes you know. Like back-dating stock options.
Good Evening, Officer. Please Meet My Kids, Zebra and Parrot.
This one might be worth it for the mug shot alone. An Iowa man recently arrested for driving under the influence blamed the incident on the baby zebra and the parrot police found in his vehicle. The driver referred to the parrot and zebra as his “kids.” He tried taking the zebra and parrot into the bar with him for a cocktail or two, but the man was turned away because the bar served food and – therefore – didn’t allow animals. So, he went in, left the “kids” in the car, tossed back a few, then headed home.
Do I really need to say anything else about this?
Truly, No One Pays Attention to You at Work
This report might be my favorite. I’ve joked for years that it would take months for anyone at work to notice I was gone if I just stopped coming to work. Apparently, it’s not that funny, because I’ve been out of the office on a leave of absence for the past six weeks and there were, in fact, people who did not notice.
Much to my relief, I am not alone. According to the linked report from the U.K.’s Telegraph, a 19-year-old “worked” at AOL for TWO MONTHS before he was discovered. And by “worked” I mean he lived there. All the time. Every day.
Most people thought the kid was just a really hard worker, admiring his first-to-work, last-to-leave dedication. Our hero was not a complete freeloader. He used his office at AOL to work on his own start-up company – software that would enable teachers to share lesson plans. (Take note, Secretary Duncan — this is what it’s come to. People “stealing” office space to create stuff that teachers can actually use to educate students. Imagine.)
Alas, he was found out – not by an executive or human resources staffer – but by a security guard who caught the freshly minted high-school graduate sleeping on a sofa. The article ends with this great quote from an AOL spokesperson:
It was always our intention to facilitate entrepreneurialism in the Palo Alto office – we just didn’t expect it to work so well.
This is all the weirdness I can handle for today. Until next time, please do not feed your ninja kitties ketchup. We don’t want them sliding off the balcony and panicking Turkish professors. And, remember, guns are not toys, toys are for kids, and Target will know you’re pregnant before you do.