The IEP My Kid Really Needs

Because she’s Smarty McSmartypants, Lexi over at Mostly True Stuff, had the brilliant idea that our kids’ IEPs perhaps need some goals that are – well – slightly more in line with their daily realities.  I couldn’t agree more, and now that summer is here and we’ve survived another grueling round of year-end assessments, it’s time for a little levity.  Also – yay! – something to write about!

So, here it is – the IEP Helene Really Needs:

Goal 1: Given an iPad with a WiFi connection, Helene will successfully avoid all parental blocking tools to locate inappropriate material on YouTube in under ten seconds over 9 out of 10 consecutive trials.  Satisfactory progress toward this goal demonstrates readiness to program the DVR.  Mastery of this skill demonstrates readiness to troubleshoot the wireless printer Mommy cannot get to work.

Goal 2:  Given only non-verbal prompting (e.g., the Mom-Stare-of-Doom), Helene will NOT put her hands in the toilet after using it, no matter how compelling the toilet paper might be.  Satisfactory progress toward goal is achieved at the point a bottle of hand soap and a package of toilet paper lasts more than one week.

Goal 3:  Working independently, Helene will demonstrate increased language acquisition by memorizing the entire script of Finding Nemo.  Helene’s generalization of portions of dialogue to everyday situations demonstrates mastery of this skill.  For example, shouting “DO NOT TOUCH THE TENTACLES! ONLY THE TOPS!” when Mom tries to touch her arm in a crowded grocery store. Or, walking up to Papa and whispering, “Well, where is it?” in a sinister voice, leaving Papa vaguely uncomfortable for the rest of the day as to whether that was an actual question and about what “it” is.

Goal 4:  By December 2013, Helene will demonstrate the ability to recall facts as measured by her knowledge of the precise location of every McDonalds within a 25-mile radius of home and her ability to give accurate turn-by-turn directions to said McDonalds in 100% of trials.  Mastery of this skill will demonstrate readiness for finding the last place she left an object she cannot live without at a given moment.  Extra credit:  greeting the drive-thru operator by name.  Double-bonus:  The drive-thru operator greets Helene by name.  (e.g., “Hi, Ms. Maria!”  “Well, hello, Helene.  You look pretty today!”)

Goal 5:  Helene will improve her social and social communication skills by interacting at least 30 minutes two times per week with her brother and his 15-year-old friends.  Mastery of this skill is demonstrated by Helene’s ability to select suitable weaponry for Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 missions in 80% of attempts over 9 out of 10 consecutive trials.  Extra credit:  Generalization of “dude,” “Cool story, bro” and “Yeah, I wanna piece of you!” to appropriate contexts.

Goal 6:  Helene will demonstrate increased gross and fine motor skills by successfully evading attempts to clip her fingernails given two adults attempting to restrain all moving limbs, bribery with marshmallows or application of fingernail clippers during deep sleep.  Mastery of this skill demonstrates readiness for putting on her own pants.  Mastery may also demonstrate readiness for casting in Cirque de Soleil or future employment as a ninja.

Goal 7:   Given access to Yo Gabba Gabba, Helene will demonstrate increased speech-sound articulation as measured by her ability to beat box better than Biz Markie in 80% of attempts.  Mastery of this skill demonstrates readiness for a recording contract.

Goal 8:  Helene will demonstrate fluent problem-solving skills by successfully locating a hidden object on the first attempt in 10 out of 10 trials, when object is hidden while Helene is sleeping or out of the house.  Mastery of this skill demonstrates readiness for CIA recruitment.

Goal 9: Given prior verbal modeling by an adult, Helene will shout — with crystal-clear enunciation and pitch-perfect tone — “Goddammit!” after injuring herself, knocking over a block tower, dropping her orange juice or stepping on a toy, but only if a therapist, social worker, teacher or judgmental stranger is present.  Mastery of this skill demonstrates readiness for a driver’s license.

Goal 10:  Helene will demonstrate increased social communication skills by participating in turn-taking activities, such as playing “Candy Land.”  Helene will demonstrate satisfactory progress toward this goal by figuring out how to cheat at said game and doing so shamelessly.  Mastery of this skill demonstrates readiness for lots of things but it mostly just confirms that she is biologically related to her parents.

Goal 11:  Helene will attend to an activity through completion as demonstrated by her complete refusal to accept or to be daunted by the laws of physics:



Got an IEP goal for your kid you’d like to share?  Please do!  We could all use a little break this summer.  🙂


15 comments on “The IEP My Kid Really Needs

  1. onthebeans says:

    Convince his sister to agree to watch 47 episodes of Ben 10 in a row. Mastery indicates readiness for nomination to the supreme court.

  2. Grandma says:

    I am still wiping laughter tears! This was truly a day brightener! Thank you!!!!! Give my very McSmarty granddaughter a high-five from Grandma 🙂

  3. Heather says:

    Hahaha! This is fantastic.

  4. I have one for you–will memorize every verse of every Christmas Carol ever sung and play Youtube videos of loud musical Christmas Toys while singing Christmas carols and playing every single electronic gadget that makes noise at the same time while recording himself doing it on his Innotab2 all year long till the point that Christmas carols are no longer considered music but grounds for a migraine.

  5. Glory Buyrn says:

    Hilarious! Helene reminds me of my 6 year old son. Thank goodness he hasn’t noticed my potty-mouth yet.

  6. Cory DeGregorio says:

    This is what makes parenting (and working in special education, where suckers like me think of a caseload as an extra set of children I did not birth) so confusing! I’m sharing your blog with coworkers….once I wipe up the coffee that came out my nose when I read this.

  7. dgm1952 says:

    Great ideas. Just wish the schools could be a bit more realistic 🙂

It's boring when I do all the talking around here. Speak now, while you can get a word in edgewise.

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