I’m only five minutes into a treadmill run¹ and already the first bead of sweat is trickling its little rivulet down my forehead. I swipe at it with the back of my hand, wipe my hand on a towel, then crank up my pace.²
It’s weird. I’m so thin in pictures …
A ridiculously tall, frustratingly thin, and enviously athletic woman steps astride the treadmill next to me. We will hence forth refer to her as “The Villain.” The Villain unwittingly stepped into the battle zone. We are about to battle to the death. Or, at least until I pass out.
As she escalates her treadmill to a jog, I sneak a sidelong glance at her treadmill readings. She’s set at 6.0. Puh-lease. She’s, like, seven feet tall. By my mathematical calculations†, 5.3 is an equivalent pace for my five-foot-two-inch frame. Now, we run. The goal? Stay on the treadmill longer than the Villain. Preferably in an upright position.
Ten minutes later …
I’m sweating profusely. My bottle of water is within arm’s reach and taunting me — seducing me with its siren song of cool refreshment.
I. will. not. yield.
Oh, sure. I could try to drink while running at this pace, but I’ve made this mistake before. 11:30-minute pace = water anywhere but in my mouth. Treadmill neighbors are not generally appreciative of this.
Ten more minutes later …
The Villain drops her pace to a brisk walk. HA! I elevate my treadmill to a 2.0 incline.
As the room starts to blur (either because I’m slipping into unconsciousness or because there are four gallons of sweat in my eyes), I start bargaining with myself. Just make it through this song on your iPod, then you can lower the treadmill back to flat. One song. 4 minutes or less. You can do it. Don’t be a sissy!! What would Jay-Z say if he was here right now? Huh?
Before my song ends, the Villain starts running again. 6.5 now. She’s totally cheating. She’s probably taking performance enhancing substances. Someone urine test this bitch.
Song over. (Yeah. Great idea, genius. Put the extended version on your playlist.) I lower my elevation and crank the speed up to 5.5. I’m practically flying!³ My lungs feel like they’re in a vice, my calf muscles are complaining to my quads, and my quads are complaining to my hips. My hips are bypassing my spine and sending an SOS directly to the part of my brain that supposedly allows for reason and common sense. We’re sorry. All circuits are busy now. Please try your call again later.
I. Will. Not. Yield.
The Villain isn’t even sweating; she’s glistening from the slight moisture emanating from her flawlessly tan skin.° I am red as a Maine lobster immersed in a boiling kettle. The sweat and oil oozing from my facial pores may as well be a side of butter.
I. WILL. NOT. YIELD.
I slow down to 4.3. I feign iPod troubles. I gulp down the sweet, clear nectar that is ice water. I do a Tanya Harding shoelace check. Karma deals me a vicious blow by turning my eyes to the clock – an act I’ve assiduously tried to avoid. I learn I’m 30 minutes into the death-match. The Villain is running again. I decide she’s not human.
I turn the treadmill back up to 5.3 and try to ignore the pain. I focus on the shiny bald head of a man using a stationary bike in front of me. I practice my Lamaze breathing (because this is the only time that shit EVER works).
Two minutes pass.
Dammit! Why is she still running? WHHHHHHHYYYYYYY?
Why won’t she stop running?! Can’t she see my fat is CRYING? CRYING!
Then, just as I think I cannot go one step farther … as my muscles ache and cramp and scream profanities … as my head spins, and the guy on the spin bike in front of me turns into 12 guys on spin bikes on front of me … the Villain does the unthinkable. She stops.
I AM VICTORIOUS! I AM THE WINNER. I AM A GOLDEN GOD!
I keep running just to be sure the Villain didn’t slink off for a drink of water only to return and mock me. When I’m sure she’s gone, I touch the treadmill screen to stop it and look at my stats. I am stunned. I ran 4.67 miles in less than 60 minutes.
I step off the treadmill and feel the same weird sensation you get when you exit a roller coaster. I am elated. I am pumped full of adrenaline and endorphins. I am exhausted in a way that feels infinitely good and stupidly painful. I am so full of WIN, I would need to pee if I hadn’t already sweated out twice my body weight in water.
Never you mind that I went home and ate a Dove bar and four extra-strength Advil. There will be another leggy treadmill victim tomorrow. And, I will be ready.
As soon as someone helps me off this couch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
¹By “run,” some people mean a fast-paced forward momentum that moves a person about a mile in eight or nine minutes. Personally, I prefer a much looser definition for “run,” which includes forward momentum that’s slightly faster than … say … walking.
²Hey, there’s a serious difference between a 12-minute mile and an 11:50-minute mile. Just ask my knees.
³Seriously, the breeze was flowing through my hair. It might have been because the air condition vent was right above me, but I think not.
†I totally made this up.
ºFake ‘n bake. I’m just sayin’.
ProfMomEsq 
You totally won!
Hell yeah! At least she didn’t ask me if we were still running. LOL.
Winner, winner, Dove bar dinner!
Hahaha! This cracked me up.
Thanks, Heather. 😉
Freshly Pressed! Freshly Pressed! Holla!
IKR?!? What is happening here?! I’m ridiculously excited. *blushes*
You’re the WINNER!
Then where’s my cheesecake?!?! I WILL run to your house. If I leave now, I should be there by about 4:30 … on Wednesday.
OMG, I’m in stitches from laughing so hard. I totally lost weight just laughing! Love the comment about Winner, Winner! Dove Bar dinner! LMAO~!
Yep, that Heather is a funny girl. You should check out her blog at Between the Covers. I can’t link because I’m on my phone, but I’ll try to remember to do it later.
Once you know me for a while, you’ll understand how UNBELIEVABLE it is that I remembered this … two weeks later. Here’s the link to Between the Covers: http://btweenthecovers.com GO GO GO!
OMG. I’m crying from laughing so hard. Awesome. And GO YOU!!!!
Yay! I’m just crying. Because … ow. 😉
this was hilarious! I always feel this way! too too funny
🙂 Thanks!
We have a winner!! I am in awe of you. You are my hero.
Someday I’ll get off the couch myself and be a winner too. Maybe.
Just make sure I’m not on the treadmill next to you. Bwahahahahaha … okay, ow, ow, ow, ow. Laughing hurts. I think even my eyes hurt actually …
Did I read that right? You ran for over 30 minutes? WHY? If no one is chasing you, WHY? The ONLY way you’ll get me to run longer than it takes to stop a kid from dashing in front of a car is if I’m some extra in a horror movie. And since I’m not a virgin, hopefully I’d die first so I’d do the least amount of running.
I read this comment while in the car (NOT DRIVING), and I started laughing so hard that the people in the car next to us were openly staring and pointing. I did not care.
I laughed heartily at both the comment and the reply. My children are looking at me like I have two heads. You know, that would explain why they don’t seem to listen. My invisible second head must speak a different language. Anyway, I was going to start running because my 10 year old is in a girls on the run program and wanted me to run the 5k with her. I recently found out I have training that day so I have not yet gotten up off the couch. Shame because everyone I see running always look like they are having so much fun. Not.
I won’t lie to you – when I first started running it felt like some kind of strange, masochistic torture – like banging your head against a wall because it feels so good when you stop! But, after a couple of weeks, I actually started looking forward to the runs. They became a chance to escape from stuff – even if for only 30 or 45 minutes. Start slow. My goals when I started where simple: do not fall off the treadmill. I worked my up from there. (Although – still – “do not fall off treadmill” is on the list.) 🙂 Also, I think you’ve got something there with the two-head thing.
I have never put the treadmill over a 4.0. It scares me. But yay you!
Next time, 4.1. I dare you. I DOUBLE DOG dare you.
I dun know u 🙂 😀 but That was immensely, and i repeat here, immensely hilarious :D. Bt then again , Im not used to the horrors of the treadmill 😉 More of street football. XD I could totally connect to that 😀 In place of the villain here, mine is the infinitely hateable strikers from the opponents who smhow end up making me tired without even friggin touching the ball once. In the end im reduced to puffing and steaming and fouling the guy right in his backfoot and leave him to the agony of nothing more than picking himself back up and scoring from the free kick for the foul :O 😀
Nirmal, I’m actually glad you don’t know the horrors of the treadmill, because I’m afraid you might kick my ass if I was running next to you, and there’s no ref in the gym to call fouls! 🙂 But, I would come watch you play street football any day — sounds crazy! (In a good way!) Thanks for stopping by; you’re pretty awesome yourself.
Nope 😀 im too lazy to run in a treadmill 😉 XD n btw 😉 football is crazy 😀
and P.S : Ur awesome !
That made me laugh at loud!!! I’d be the same way! Although I really would have thought of pulling a Tanya Harding and had someone come bash her knee cap LOL So I could win faster! (and stop running of course)
See, that’s the problem with running. It deprives my brain of oxygen, so I couldn’t think of the Tanya Harding thing until later … when I was writing about how I ALMOST DIED on a treadmill. Next time, you come run on the treadmill to my left, please. 🙂
LOL next time I need some time off work or have a death wish…I’ll be right there beside you!!! 🙂
This is awesome. And why I run by myself at home. 🙂
See, if I ran at home, my only competition would be my 5-year-old, and she pretty much annihilates me in the energy department EVERY SINGLE DAY. It wouldn’t be a fair fight at all. 🙂
I ran a 5K once, was feeling pretty good about my pace, then an 80-year-old guy breezed past me. There went my competitive spirit 🙂 I admire yours!
This is a win for sure! Great post.
Thank you!
Oh, my gosh! Another reason why I do not go to the gym!
Congrats on FP. It’s a deserving post for sure!
Thank you!
Avoid the gym?!? You mean allowing your ego to nearly kill you on a piece of cardio equipment doesn’t sound like the MOST fun ever? You get a dark chocolate Dove bar afterwards as a reward! 🙂
LOL I’m going to chuckle from the safety of my kitchen. I have a fear of treadmills, how do you stay on them? They have a life of their own!!!
I have a girlfriend who has a treadmill in her front room near a large pane-glass window. She once sent me the most hysterical email about her fear that the treadmill would send her flying through the window. A couple of months later, she ran a Tough Mudder. (If you’re not familiar, it’s basically a death challenge designed by the British Royal Guard for which people actually volunteer. If you finish, they offer you a t-shirt or a free tattoo. Yeah.) Point is, you THINK you’re safe in your kitchen, but … 🙂
Yay! That feeling is amazing, the “I’m so tired but I just accomplished this”. 😀
All kidding aside, Margaret, that’s very true. It’s what keeps me going to the gym. 🙂
I get like this while swimming laps in the pool. Swimming next to people who are wearing flippers when you don’t know they are wearing flippers is a major trap. Well done on an amazing workout! I would have been in hospital by the fourth paragraph…
Holy crap, Charlotte. Thanks for the head’s up about the pool. I’d much rather try to out run Leggy McLeggerson than try to out swim a damn dolphin! I’d find myself yelling, “Cheaters never prosper!” while gagging up water on the side of the pool. I’ll just wave at your from my treadmill. It’s all good. 😉
This was great!
I could just see this happening to me,
Though I could never last as long as you did!
Congrats!:)
Thanks! BTW, the trick is to NOT look at the part of the treadmill that says how far you’ve run. Never let the treadmill feel your weakness! 😉
This is so funny. Love how you call your gym-mate “The Villain.” Glad you won!
Thanks, Rich. She was the Villain, and I didn’t even know her. Imagine what happens when I go to the gym to run next to my sister. Bwahahahahahaha.
Loved the post…
Thanks!
Hahah! I completely know that feeling. Only problem is that I am not usually the winner…congratulations!! 😉
You are full of WIN just because you came here! Also, when you treadmill race, you TOTALLY make up the rules. Rule #1, You always win. 🙂
This is definitely me, too. Good job!!
Ok, but now we’re part of a secret pact. Should we ever find ourselves in the same gym, we do not use each other as the Villains. It has been spoken. 😉
You will know me by my red hooded sweatshirt and knee pads.
Nice. You’ll know me by my red face. It’s a special shade of red that borders on purple. Very distinctive. Can’t miss it. 😉
So absolutely hilarious. My “run” matches your footnote. Congratulations on defeating the Villain and thanks for bringing your story to life in this post.
Happy to share (except my Dove bars). Thanks for stopping by!
You win.
YAY! I love winning! 🙂
All this time I’ve been working to avoid the Treadmill Race. Maybe today I’ll take on a leggy villain of my own. Thanks for the inspiration!
DO. IT. I will root for you! Unless, you happen to go to my gym. Then – it’s on like Donkey Kong! 😉
Well done. Keep up the pace. 😉
SO funny. You totally won.
Also, my definition of running is pretty similar to yours!
Excellent. I will share a Dove bar with you. Or Advil. Your pick. 😉
This was awesome! Because I have absolutely no coordination and the grace of a bullfrog, treadmills are too scary for me, as others have pointed out. Trying to adjust speed, incline, maybe grab a sip of water and not fall off while remembering to put one foot in front of the other, well, let’s just say that’s too much multitasking for me.
Now, clicking a remote, adjusting cushions, eating lasagna AND ice cream at the same time while using different utensils, all while maintaining a prone position, well, that’s my kind of multitasking. Don’t try this at home, people. This takes talent.
Terrific post–made me laugh and almost spit out my bagel with pumpkin spice cream cheese on it. Ummm, pumpkin spice…
“…the grace of a bullfrog” = STOLEN. THAT is awesome. Now, please pass me a bagel.
Fantastic post! This almost inspires me to start running. (BAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! No it doesn’t. I hate running.) Congrats on your win!
You know why I run, Anne. For the bacon. DO IT FOR THE BACON!!!
There is always someone like this on the treadmill next to me at the Y. I fantasize about running in place behind their treadmill, shouting at the top of my lungs “On your left!”, as I prepare to “pass” them. Let’s see how those emergency pull cords on the treadmills really work. Oh, you didn’t connect it to yourself? I’m sure that concussion will only keep you out of commission long enough for me to get my distance up WAY higher than yours.
Really enjoyed this post – thanks!
I truly laughed OUT LOUD at this. Awesome. I’m going to laugh every time I look at the emergency pull cord now. I’m also going to use it, just in case you go to my gym.
Oh Princess Bride! haha I have the same competitive spirit at the gym MUST BEAT THEM! haha wonderful post, congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Thank you! It was truly INCONCEIVABLE! *giggles*
haha “are you sure that is a word?” wonderful!!
AWESOME post. I’m so totally competitive with the people around me, too, and I wish I could say I didn’t judge them based on their speed or incline … but I totally do. That iPod trick is the best thing there is though. I always play the until I get to X miles, or until I get to X minutes, or after this song game – it will always make you go longer or farther than you had planned on (or thought you could).
Right? I absolutely negotiate with myself through the entire run. Just make it to the end of this song. Then you can slow down/stop/die. I should get continuing ed credits toward my law license for my gym time. 🙂
Ha ha, that’s great. Pretty sure I was telling my heart not to explode this morning when I was trying to get through hill intervals…
I am very proud of you! My husband and I recently got his n her treadmills for the house. The competition if fierce, but I. will. not. yield. either!
YES! Go! Go! Go! Please report back on progress. I can always use the inspiration!!
HAHAHA!! Omg, you are facking hilarious. This post totally killed me. I will remember it when I’m training for my half-marathon and about to pass out onto my face on the treadmill =P
Excellent! I highly recommend a FLAT course for your first (or really ANY) half-marathon. I ran my first (and only) HM in freakin’ SAN FRANCISCO, which is basically the HILLIEST place on EARTH. I cried when I finished. They might not have been tears of joy. Still, I send you good thoughts and packets of that gooey energy stuff. It actually works. 😉
Lol thanks for the tip and the gooey energy stuff =P
Haha, I’ll probably be crying before I get to the finish line. Unless I’ve run myself into a coma and then I won’t be crying … because I’ll be unconscious.
Holy frikkin hilarity!!!! What an inspiring post to read 🙂
I avoid the treadmill at all costs, but that’s because it *really does hurt my knees*! I prefer to torture myself running on the track and the road.
Thanks for the giggle 😆
I like track running – it is much easier on the knees. But, I get bored running in a circle. Apparently, I get less bored running … nowhere. It’s a personality flaw. I embrace it.
I’ve reblogged this post on mynuttydubai.wordpress.
winner ….hahahha i m laughing . thankx for sharing such a awesome post 😆
Thanks for stopping by!
I can’t remember when I have laughed so much! Thank you : ) My 15-year-old daughter asked me, “What do you keep laughing at?” She came over and sat down on the couch with me. We love The Princess Bride. Great Post. Thoroughly enjoyed it! Great read from the beginning to end. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Thank you! I love to make people laugh – even more than I love to beat them at treadmill races!!
Too funny! I’ve done this! My favorite person to “race” is that 20something buff guy who is speed walking on the treadmill before he starts lifting. I speed pass him and his six-pack every time!
Isn’t that SOOOOO satisfying? I’m even more grateful to know I’m not the only one who does this stuff!
I totally get this. I’m 5’2″ on a good day. I run with people who are taller than me, and I’m sure I have to extend and exert myself more. And those people who are my height and run faster? They are waif thin and don’t eat.
If it’s a battle, you are definitely winning.
Way to wipe out that Villain!
Cheers,
iRuniBreathe
:high five:
Hilarious.
Thanks!
Treadmill? I think with that victory you are ready to take it outside and run in the open. Forget the treadmill.
Ah, yes. Outside. Well, here’s the thing. Things, actually. Sidewalks, curbs, rocks, sticks, my own two feet = things that end with ER. Right … right. They don’t actually end with the letters E and R. But, they do end with ME in the ER of my local hospital as my ankle swells to the size of Texas. The only injury I really risk at the gym is to my ego. I’m okay with that. There’s no copay.
Excellent writing. I don’t do running – or fast walking. But if I did, I would totally be there. Oh – not on the treadmill. I would be sitting on the bike behind, reading while gently pedalling and watching your duel!
Depending on what you’re reading back there, I may be okay with this.
I loved this post, you totally won and beat her. My gym has no treadmills so i cant compete with anyone but i will compete through you from now on
No treadmills?!? I … I would be … so lost. I watch the people lifting weights, because it makes me feel better about being on the treadmill. 😉
You make me want to buy a treadmill, or get a gym membership so I can watch others race 😉
YES! Run on the treadmill while watching The Biggest Loser. That show always makes me want to go to the gym. And put down the bag of Doritos.
LOL I need to put down the cookie before my metabolism catches up with me lol
Aw, crap. I thought I *wanted* my metabolism to catch up. Have I been doing it backwards this whole time?!? That explains so, so much. Pass me a cookie!
LOL I can’t tell if you’re being factious or not… But yea, when women hit 30 they have to work harder to maintain the same weight… I’m almost 28… If I don’t start working out now, I’m gonna gain weight in a hurry. I’m so out of shape, I can’t mow 1/3 of my yard without feeling nauseated and breathless.
I swear to the Heavens, I am going to be the person who FINALLY gets around to inventing a snark font. I’m going to be marvelously RICH, RICH, RICH and sit around reading other people’s blogs all day.
(Also, *always* safe to assume I’m being a smart ass.)
Sadly, I am painfully aware of this slowed-metabolism-thing of which you speak. I have seen 12 years into your future. I’m pretty sure you finish mowing the lawn. 😉
LOL literally, my kids looked at me funny when I did. Having Aspergers, I don’t always get the “smart ass” dialect the first time around when speaking, in type it’s a bit harder, not worries… I would totally gift that font to everyone I know! My husband laughs at me because it takes me three days to mow the lawn (and I still haven’t done the back yard yet)… I told him, if he wanted it done in one afternoon, he should not have gone to Afghanistan 😛 (not that that was an acceptable option). He’s trying to get back in shape while he’s there… Spends 5-7 days at the gym every week… I can barely put down the donuts, though admittedly the kids and I are eating healthier than before he left. In the past two months, he has slimmed down quite a bit.
You know what? Eat the donut. Eat TWO donuts. How do you manage with the kids by yourself? I can’t even … you ROCK.
We eat donuts every Saturday for breakfast lol It’s one of those things you do… Ya know, it scares the hell out of me on a daily basis, but every morning, I put on my big girl panties and make it through the day… We’re nearly two months down on a nine month deployment. He should be home by Father’s Day, which would be really nice 🙂
I really like your blog and would love you to feature on mine, http://www.5thingstodotoday.com. All you have to do is write five suggestions along with a link back to your site. Please check out the blog and see the sort of things people have written about. Please consider following me on facebook. http://www.facebook.com/5thingstodotoday
Thanks! I did check out your blog, and I would love write a list. What a great idea!
GREAT Writing! I have been there..but its been a while since I have let myself get on a treadmill. Im a roadie myself. Being in the gym makes me feel like a lab rat. But I am so glad to hear a positive outcome. Your sense of humor makes u a winner not a wiener. By the way, I am at work eating a cookie and probably not going to run today because its pagan sabath: Saturday!
Thanks! I do love to run outside, too. The problem is, it doesn’t really love me back. My ankles keep getting broken by curbs and random rocks. SO RUDE! Enjoy that cookie, though. I went to the gym for both of us today. 😉
I totally do this at the gym: all I need is the dude from gladiators to shout ‘contender, ready!’. I may now have to find a recording of this for the start of my running playlist! 🙂
Oh, that would be perfect. If you find it, you have to share. I would rather run naked than without music. And, uh, nobody wants me running around naked. There just isn’t enough brain bleach to go around. But, you know, no pressure … or anything. 😉
Good one! next time I am on a treadmill, I will totally be killing myself laughing – who will be my victim!!!! heeheeheee!
Yes, but choose your Villain carefully. S/he cannot know s/he has been chosen, or your whole plan may backfire. Then you WILL be killing yourself on a treadmill, but not laughing. NONE of the laughing!
This is too funny! When I go to the gym, I AVOID getting on the treadmill next to “runners” because I’m a “walker”. LOL! But for some reason they seem to find me. It never fails. I’m minding my own business and they just show up…even when there are millions of empty machines elsewhere! I swear they do it to taunt me.
See, now you know why they do it. They aren’t taunting you, they’re RACING you. Next time, kick your treadmill up to about 6.5 – for just a minute. You will TOTALLY freak out the person next to you. I’d think, Crap! She duped me. She made me think she was a walker, and now I’m going to looooooooooose. Wah! And, I would probably deserve it.
Running on the treadmill will never be the same for me again. Ever. Thanks for the laughs!!
You are so welcome. Thanks for stopping by!
Love this so glad I can get a word in! Keep on running!!
Yeah, you’ve got to be quick around here. 😉 Thanks for the comment!
I totally do this when I’m at the gym! I’m secretly listening to old-school Avril Lavigne and channeling her teenage angst into determination. Silly, but totally gratifying. Feels good to beat complete strangers 🙂
It does feel gratifying. As they walk away, I think – I beat you to a bloody pulp, and you don’t even KNOW it. And then a cackle wickedly. On the inside. On the outside it sounds more like wheezing.
man i have never read about somthing like this and i must say I LOVED IT WOW U HAVE so much talent
That is so nice of you to say! Thanks!
This is a fantastic post. I absolutely love it. I laughed so hard.
I completely know your pain. I jog at a park and I had to start running in the opposite direction of people, otherwise I try to pass EVERYONE. But I never won!
Thank you so much. I am filing “run in opposite direction” away for future reference. I’d be lucky to pass the mailman at the pace I run!
hahaha!! you were completely victorious!! :-D.. your article made my day.. 🙂
Then I win TWICE! Woot! Thanks so much. 😉
Who doesn’t secretly race their treadmill partner? lol
Right?! I am so happy it’s not just me. But, then – oh, shit. It’s not just me!
I forgot to add, best article I’ve read in a long long time, thank you for your post!
Wow – thank you!!
That. Was. Fan. Tastic.
You also didn’t account for the fact that you were already on the treadmill when she came. I don’t care if you weren’t even walking yet, you were there first and stayed longer. That’s a triple win (my math works about like yours).
Thank you. I like our math. It always adds up. 😉
Very nicely organized blog one day mine will get there 🙂
Thanks!
You look at the digital readouts on the other evil, just getting on the elliptical to taunt me, Darth aerobic jerks too? Absolutely awesome post! Loved it!
“Darth aerobic jerks” = STOLEN. I need to work that into a post with another commenter’s “graceful as a bullfrog.” Knowing me, it won’t be hard. Ha! Thanks for the comment and stopping by!
FYI, I mean I am stealing it from you, not that you stole it. I try not to offend my commenters or accuse them of bad deeds until they’ve been around for at least … say … a month or so. 😉
Victory to you!
Now and ever after!
Loved the post..
You awesome You!
Thank you!
[…] Hey, treadmill neighbor! We’re TOTALLY racing. I’m winning.. […]
Hilarious post! The last person I told that I wanted to start running said, “Running’s not for the faint of heart.” Your post confirms this. Oh well – maybe I’ll try jumping rope. Anyway, congrats on being FP! Cheers!
Run. Seriously. It looks like a jump rope, but it’s actually a spider’s web waiting to happen. The user is never the spider. Ever. Run. 😉
looseleaf is right — You are the bomb (this is the first and last time I ever use this word–and I am not sure I am using it right — it is supposed to be a compliment)
I’ll take “bomb.” The best I can get out of the teenage boy is, “alright.” “Alright” is not “embarrassing,” so I take it a glow. But now … BOOM!
ha ha – you are good
kudos for the human who can run more than five minutes… especially in a treadmill. I enjoyed reading your post. :)))) I hope to find myself winning treadmills battle soon. haha
How many calories are in “kudos”? I want them, but I need to plan ahead, because I can move only my typing fingers today. I felt so
guiltyencouraged because of all the comments yesterday, that I went to the gym … and ran. Competitor No. 1: tall, muscular dude. Competitor No. 2: tall, muscular dude. They tried to tag-team me. Just before I folded like a cheap suit, a waif of a girl wearing more or less nothing walked by, and tall, muscular dudes practically jack-knifed over their treadmills to get her attention. I love this small woman with every ounce of my heart and at least one lung. Excuse me now while I go buy Target’s entire stock of Advil.hahaha. I am left speechless. I think I’ll have to hit the gym and find me some tall muscular dude to compete with. Ha!
You rock, AND you roll! Outta-the-ballpark post—and with footnotes yet! I LOVE it! Congratulations!
It was the footnotes that did it, right? Because, it definitely isn’t my artistic ability. Thanks so much, George. I’m always so grateful for your support and encouragement – truly!!
This si me and Tanya on Insanity…
*is…. -__- I can’t spell
Insanity? Like the work out videos that are … insane????? I watched one once. It was the scariest movie EVER. EVER! 😉
It was insane and Tanya was mocking me the entire time while my body was sprawled on the floor in exhaustion.
Well, that is the best time to mock someone … in case you need to run away. 😉
Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed! Well done!
Thank you. I’ve slept on it now and … Yep. Still flattered and smiling.
“I WILL make it to 30mins” I say this with utter conviction but by the time I’m at 13 and it feels like someone has stuck a knife under my ribs it conveniently changes to 15 mins…every damn time! From one shortie to another I feel your pain! And loved this piece
When you make it to 15 minutes, promise yourself something for making it to 18. (I prefer Dove bars, but non-food items count, too. “New book” is one of my go-tos.) Then, when you’re at 18, tell yourself that if you went 18 minutes, what’s 2 more, and 20 is a nice round number, so it will look like you stopped on purpose if anyone should happen to glance at your stats. By the time you get to 20, your Krebs cycle will have kicked in, and you’ll make it to at least 23, if not 25. Once you’re there … Well, you get the idea. 😉
Had to laugh at the krebs cycle idea spent a good 30 mins explaining it to students today….next time i’ll link in the treadmill example 🙂 I’ll keep that in mind next time I’m turning every shade of red on the damn thing…great blog btw!
Ha ha what a wonderful narration. Very hilarious 🙂 Great that you beat the Villain. Congrats on the victory and freshly pressed 🙂
Thank you!
I loved reading this! It made me laugh and want to go have a battle of my own. Congrats on your win and I feel bad for the next victim.
Yeah, next victim! ‘Cause I’m MEAN and … stuff. Ah, who do I kid? It’s hard to look threatening when you’re only 5-foot-nearly-nothing. (But it also makes me more ninja-like … *evil cackle*)
This was a welcome treat. I laughed out loud at the line, “Someone urine test this bitch.” Tiny victories. Well done.
Thanks – glad you enjoyed it. When it comes to victories, size definitely does not matter. 😉
This is too much. Somehow you managed to capture the thoughts of so many women (like myself) who think we are alone….slowly making on the treadmill. In silence looking at the next lady like…How does she do this? Too funny!
You are so very much not alone! Treadmill victories everywhere! 😉 Thanks so much for stopping by; glad you enjoyed the read!
Lol! Funny post! ❤
Thank you!
I cannot stop laughing at this. I have been in your shoes with the crazy one next to me as I’m trying to keep up with her on the elliptical machine. I. Wanted. To. Die. You = WINNING!!! Good job!!!
Elliptical machine are evil all by themselves. They should be banned by some UN resolution. Come over here onto a treadmill … next to me. Bwahahahahahaha!
LOL!
Obviously, you get big points for winning the battle, plus your great video additions add just the right punch to an already great post, so congrats on all that; you so deserve it! I hope The Villain is okay with the consolation prize of cluelessness (or maybe she will someday appreciate what an epic moment that was)…
ALL THE POINTS! I get all the points! It was epic, right? Absolutely. The Villain gets to live on in infamy; no Dove bar for her. :-p
[…] Hey, treadmill neighbor! We’re TOTALLY racing. I’m winning.. […]
Can I race on an eliptical? Makes me wish I were a runner.
Sure. But I think the elliptical machines are an evil, evil death contraption. So, I wouldn’t recommend it. 🙂
HA! This is awesome! Totally sharing!
Great post! This was a great read!!! Thank you for sharing your creative piece–and for the record, you SO WON! 🙂
I loved your youtube references. They made the story that much more entertaining. Nice post and congrats on being freshly pressed!
Thank you! It’s been a lot of fun!
It’s great reading a post that I can completely relate to!! Thanks for a great read! For me, the fighting spirit always kicks in when a particularly attractive man starts running next to me…. MUST. LOOK. ATHLETIC. Unfortunately my body sweats so much that within 10 minutes I’m shaking my head like a dog just to get the sweat out of my eyes. Which I’m pretty sure isn’t my best look…
Our peas are in the same (sweaty) pod. LOL. Thanks for the comment and the chuckle!
Lol I love this! So glad I’m not the only one who has secret competitions. Glad that you won…keep it up! 😀
You are definitely not alone. Thanks for the comment; glad you stopped by and enjoyed!
congrats on the big “win” – love treadmill “races”. good luck removing yourself from that couch 😉
There might have been some pulling and crying involved. Also a bribe.
Hahahahaha this is amazing! You had my adrenaline pumping!! Good for you defeating the boss! Btw this is totally how I feel too running next to someone! That’s why I do Zumba now!
Zumba is level-up business. I can handle one foot in front of the other. More than that and I’m the exact opposite of winning. 😉
That’s funny. Love my treadmill. It’s much easier on the knees than pavement. Good post.
I enjoyed this post. When I am on the treadmill in the gym, I am in a world by myself and tune out everyone. It’s me and the iPod. I don’t care to race against anyone who might be next to me because I know I will lose just about every time. I do think that sometimes the person next to me is trying to race me. I’ll think about it next time I go. Thanks.
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